Ralph Malbrough / Contributing Writer
Is it just me or has preseason become even more boring since the Saints became an elite NFL team? Don’t get me wrong I’m glad football is back so I can ignore the Olympics. If you like the Olympics good for you but if Olympic Archery were going on in my back yard I’d pull the blinds down.
The Saints are 37-11 since 2009 in games that count so anything not injury related in the preseason I’m going to ignore it. So far the only significant news out of training camp is Jabari Greer winning the Saints annual sports hernia giveaway contest.
Here is my recap of last night’s preseason opener:
Drew Brees was nice to give the Saints a discount on his contract because he’s worth more than 100 million, Curtis Lofton is as advertised, Martez Wilson will be starting in Will Smith’s place on opening day, Travaris Cadet if healthy will be on somebody’s Week #1 roster, and the replacement referees are awful. The billion-dollar NFL fighting with the real referees over a couple hundred bucks a game is like Bill Gates not tipping his valet.
So after getting to see Drew Brees and the other starters for like 20 seconds lets try to answer the question of everyone’s mind: Who should coach the Saints the first six games of 2012?
Everybody knows Drew Brees is going to run the offense and Spagnuolo will run the defense and the head coach will be just a place holder until Joe Vitt gets back for Week 8. The Saints have decided to go over the top and slightly ridiculous route with a giant Sean Payton billboard in the training facility so why not do the same to begin the year on the sideline? It’s okay to admit the Sean Payton ‘Do your job’ billboard is both frightening in a Big-Brother-is-watching-you sort of way and hilarious in a did-the-Saints-really-make-a-giant-billboard/shrine-of-their-suspended-coach-that-would-make-dictators-in-foreign-countries-proud sort of way.
Now I know you’ve heard all the usual suspects of Pete Carmichael, Steve Spagnuolo, or Aaron Kromer. So boring. Let’s try and think outside the box people. Why can’t the Saints have a different guy every week or why does the coach even need to be a person? Why discriminate against inanimate objects or food?
Here are my suggestions on who should coach the Saints the first six games:
The Saints already built a statue for maybe the most beloved Saint player. The season opening crowd will already be in a frenzy after what the NFL dropped on the Saints during the off-season so why not raise it up a level? Why can’t Gleason lead the team out the tunnel and roam the sideline in the season opener against Redskins? I think we need to test the Dome roof to see if it can withstand an insane amount of noise. Loomis make this happen or at least make the Gleason punt block a permanent edition to the video that plays in the Dome right before the game starts.
Savory Simon, Pielover of Hubigs Pies
Before you dismiss the insanity of Simon from Hubigs Pies as interim coach, hear me out. Savory Simon is all about consistency. The guy has been making the same delicious pies in New Orleans for almost 100 years. In this time of uncertainty for the Saints Simon will bring a consistent voice, a consistent delicious fried glazed voice.
Also like the Saints offense Simon has variety. The Saints line up in four receivers or two tight end formations all the time. Simon is all about variety with flavors like sweet potato or apple or my personal favorite chocolate.
Some experts are saying with no coach and players being suspended the Saints time in the sun are over and some might have thought after Hubigs factory burned to the ground their time was over as well. Those people are dead wrong.
Simon knows about dealing with adversity and what the Saints are going through. He’ll be back just like the Saints. The media would be really easy in post game interviews with Simon because they’d be too busy eating his pies. Who cares about what the coach did on fourth down late in the game when there is vanilla bean ice cream and a warm Hubigs pies waiting for you in the press conference?
Only downside is team nutrition could go to hell.
Hand Grenade from the Tropical Isle
A hand grenade is the perfect coach for the Saints, if they want to get a bit reckless. Who among us hasn’t had a memorable night in the French Quarter involving drinking a hand grenade or two? The upside to having hand grenade as the head coach is he will lead to fun irresponsible decisions like running up the score against Atlanta because the Falcons wouldn’t let the Saints use the Atlanta logo on Steve Gleason’s statue.
Hand grenade’s downside is hangovers during the week might be a problem and the entire offense waking up in Mexico on a Saturday morning and not being able to make a road game could be problematic.
Are my ideas for head coaches for the Saints ridiculous? Definitely. The only thing more ridiculous is trying to make conclusions from watching starters run 20 plays but if we couldn’t do that what good would exhibition football be at all? As always preseason football is better than no football.
Ralph Malbrough is a Saints fan living in Houston. Email him at firstname.lastname@example.org, find him on Facebook, follow him on twitter at http://twitter.com/#!/MilneMalbrough or download his podcast at Itunes.