How to write an entertaining NFL preview column?

It’s a question I’ve been asking myself every August for the six years I’ve been writing this column (Yeah it’s been six years. I’m old).

Here’s the thing: You fine people who read this column don’t really care what I think about what will happen in the NFL for 2008. My thoughts on the Detroit Lions don’t interest you. You don’t care, I don’t care. The Lions will be 6-10 and Matt Millen will sign a contract extension through 2015. Ok, glad we settled that.

Alex Brandon / Associated Press

You come here to read about the Saints. So, how do I fashion a coherent column previewing the season when I have no interest in breaking down the Saints by position and you have even less interest reading it?

This column is basically for laughs and entertainment. If you want serious football analysis, you can find the breakdown of each defensive preseason snap of the Saints defense somewhere else.

And really, what better time to laugh about the upcoming football season than after New Orleans and her shiny new levees and floodwalls held up? Levees that don’t breach rock.

After watching all day long Monday from Houston with my fingers crossed that New Orleans would make it through Gustav, I think going into this season we all need a little humor.

So, without further ado, I give you a game-by-game preview of the 2008 Saints season filled with made-up storylines, satire, occasional football insight and enough jokes about other teams to make you believe anything is possible.

Week 1: Tampa Bay

With all the Hurricane Gustav issues leaving the site of the actual game up in the air, Sean Payton and the boys get confused and don’t show up until halftime so Saints season ticket holders are forced into action against Jon Gruden’s band of old receivers, 100 quarterbacks and mediocre offensive line.

Joey from Chalmette, a 10-year season ticket holder, intercepts Jeff Garcia right before halftime to thwart a Bucs drive. After the game, he declares, “See Jason David, that’s how you cover 76-year-old Joey Galloway!”

Drew Brees throws three scores in the second half and the Saints win. Sean Payton gives Joey from ‘Da Parish’ a game ball and gift certificate to Danny and Clyde’s.

Week 2: At Washington

We all know I’m no football expert, but doesn’t Jim Zorn have a little bit of ‘coach-who-has-no-clue’ look on his face? Watch and enjoy as Sean Payton runs circles around him and then bask in watching Michael Wilbon and Tony Kornheiser rip the Redskins apart on PTI the following Monday.

It will probably go something like this:

Tony: Over/Under on the 0-2 Redskins firing Jim Zorn after that beat down the Saints gave them?

Michael: How about next Sunday at HALFTIME? Your boy Danny Snyder might whack Zorn before that if they are down 28-3 like yesterday!

Good times.

Week 3: At Denver

I’ll be honest – I’m completely bitter at Denver for tanking last year after I picked them to go to the Super Bowl. So, this year, I’m picking them as my surprise stink bowl team. You know, the one team every year that is awful and everyone is like, “Damn, didn’t think they would be so wretched.”

The 2008 Denver Broncos will be that team.

Oh yeah, Reggie will have a huge game.

Week 4: San Francisco

In a surprise move, Sean Payton brings in Jim Haslett to coach the Saints because, as Sean puts it, “Haslett knows how to beat Mike Martz in his sleep.” After the Saints dominate a wet-paper-bag-like 49ers team, Haslett sums up the victory as only Haslett can.

“The Saints have a heck of a football team and I’d like to thank Mr. Benson for bringing me down here to coach this team for a day. I have to say having a quarterback like Drew Brees who knows what he’s doing and doesn’t throw backwards passes like Aaron Brooks is really cool.”

Week 5: Minnesota

Monday Night football! It means Saints fans have all day to prepare and it’s a good thing because after Adrian Peterson runs for 300 yards and five touchdowns, they’ll wish they and the Saints had ‘prepared’ more. ‘Purple Jesus’ is not kind to our Saints.

Week 6: Oakland

I wonder who will be the Raiders head coach when they come to New Orleans? I can tell you who it won’t be: Lane Kiffin. Al Davis will have long since fired Kiffin, maybe he’ll bring back John Madden. Davis is so old and crazy don’t bet against it.

It sure will be fun watching JaMarcus Russell throw interceptions and talking ourselves into thinking the Saints can actually play defense though. 

Week 7: At Carolina

A battle for first place in the NFC South is interrupted when Panthers receiver Steve Smith punches out the entire starting Carolina offense during pre-game warm-ups. In his post game interview, Smith says he’s misunderstood and promptly punches three reporters in the face. He also lights up the Saints for three touchdowns.

Week 8: Chargers in London

Hollis Thomas returns for the Saints and plays the game dressed as one of the Queen’s guards responsible for guarding Buckingham Palace. Why? Because Hollis says, “I look damn good and did I not sack Philip Rivers twice?” Indeed you did Hollis.

The Saints are 6-2 at the break. Of course, Saints fans might forget this as we won’t see them play in New Orleans for a six-week stretch. Nice scheduling NFL.

Week 10: At Atlanta

The Falcons are supposed to be the NFL’s worst team, except they aren’t. Matt Ryan looks like the second coming of Tom Brady and Saints fans are very angry at a certain defensive back after Ryan wins player of the week honors. The defensive back’s initials are JD.

All 12 of the Falcon fans at the Georgia Dome celebrate in style and Arthur black gives them a free ceiling fan from Home Depot.

Week 11:  At Kansas City

The Chiefs are so young they’ll need a chaperon and their favorite stuffed animal to get through the entire trauma they’ll face in 2008. Aren’t they in like year 10 of the five-year rebuilding plan? I could make some really lame Bill Kuharich joke here but I won’t because Bill is just an awesome guy who knew Alex Molden was better than Eddie George.

Also, this is the part of the 2008 season where Jeremy Shockey says something dumb. I’m breathless in anticipation. I predict he’ll go off on some Chiefs rookie during the Saints blowout and he’ll be Topic A all week on ESPN. Watch as Skip Bayless goes insane.

Week 12: Green Bay

The Packers starting quarterback will get a standing ovation during pre-game introductions. Why? Because Matt Flynn delivered National Title number three to LSU fans and we appreciate it. Aaron Rogers will have long since been injured by now. The Brett Favre-Packers divorce will leave them both wishing they had worked things out.

Saints fans will walk out of the Dome thinking, “The Saints are 8-3 and having the NFC’s best offense rocks!” It sure does.

Week 13: At Tampa

Kickoff is moved to 10 a.m., not because of a hurricane threat but because Matlock comes on at 1:30 p.m. and all the old Bucs players like Joey Galloway and Ike Hilliard never miss Matlock.

Oh, and Jon Gruden blows a gasket after whoever is playing quarterback for them throws interception number six.

Week 14: Atlanta

It’s payback time Matt Ryan, and this time Jason David is writing the check. In his finest hour in a Saints uniform, David has three interceptions and the game-sealing fumble recovery.  The Saints are 10-3 but the 375 yards Matt Ryan just threw for are a concern but we figure the seven sacks balance it out. Let’s hope so.

Week 15: At Chicago

The Bears own the Saints and the only thing different on this night is we have to suffer through John Madden gushing over Brian Urlacher. Put those Super Bowl dreams on hold people, Kyle Orton just lit up the Chicago night like a Christmas tree.

Week 16: At Detroit

When was the last time the Saints beat the Lions? I don’t know but it’s not today. Jon Kitna shreds the Saints and after the game thanks everyone from the Lord to his paper boy. The Saints Super Bowl Band Wagon has officially crashed. Even Jim Henderson’s Monday commentary can’t bring smiles.

Week 17: Carolina

Ah, the huge must-win season finale. Saints need to win to clinch a bye but Panthers need to win to make the playoffs and save John Fox’s job.

Good times will be had by all, except for Jake Delhomme after Mike McKenzie intercepts him late and seals the win.

All that adds up to 11-5. The only thing keeping the Saints from the Super Bowl will be their shoddy defense and Kurt Warner.

Yes, it will be the end of days as the Saints and Cardinals battle for the NFC Title. If this prediction actually comes to pass, I suggest you buy water, MRE’s and build a bomb shelter because the world as we know it will be ending.

Clearly this preview column was worth the money you paid for it.

This Week’s games

New Orleans (-3) vs. Tampa Bay: Tampa has a beat up offensive line, Joey Galloway might not be 100% and the Saints are at home. If the Saints can’t get consistent pressure on Jeff Garcia, be afraid be very afraid.

How much do you want to bet Jeremy Shockey figures very prominently in this game? Drew Brees hits Shockey late and Saints fans get some joy after one hell of a long week. Saints 27-24

Atlanta (+3) vs. Detroit: Don’t believe all the stuff you read about the Falcons being the worst team in the NFL and I’ll believe the Lions are good the second Tuesday of next week. Falcons 35-27

Dallas (-5.5) at Cleveland: The Browns are the trendy ‘it’ team and they’ll score points just not enough to be any good. Mr. Jessica Simpson will have a huge game. Cowboys 42-27

Green Bay (-2.5) vs. Minnesota: Everyone who thinks the Vikings are a Super Bowl team will get cold water dumped on them once Tarvaris Jackson throws a pass. Packers 21-10

New York Jets (-3) at Miami: Brett Bowl I goes to Favre although the AFC East is way better than people think and the Patriots will have dog fight on their hands in this division.  Jets 28-23

Ralph Malbrough is a Saints fan living in Houston. He can be reached at ralphmalbrough@hotmail.com . He also hosts an internet radio show every week Sunday at 5pm at  http://www.blogtalkradio/forecastradio. You can listen live or download it at itunes.