If every sports writer and blogger under the sun can turn in an NFL season preview, well so can I. In fact, I’ll go one step further and actually predict the final records of each team for the regular season. And I’ll include my postseason predictions at no extra cost to you! What more could you possibly want?

According to my friend Chris, there was something more he wanted – or rather, something more that my column needed.

“Dude, your column needs a hook,” he told me.

What do you mean?

“Anybody can just turn in an NFL season preview, but you gotta make yours stand out! You need a hook, bro!”

And how exactly do I accomplish that?

“Hey, I’m not the guy with the column to write – that’s your gig,” he said.

Fair enough. So with the help of Wikipedia and the rest of the World Wide Web, I’ve decided to preview the NFL by comparing every team in the league to a person, place or thing widely associated with the Greater New Orleans area – hope that hooks you.

(Note: the * means team makes the playoffs.)

AFC East

*-New England Patriots (12-4)

Comparison: Brad Pitt, Angelina Jolie buying a home in the French Quarter

The hoopla surrounding their residency here sometimes overshadows their desire to help the people here. Just like the tabloid presence around quarterback Tom Brady could have an adverse affect on his team this season.

*-New York Jets (12-4)

Comparison: the Pontchartrain Center in Kenner

According to Kenner’s Wikipedia site, it’s “the second-largest convention center in the New Orleans metro area.” Probably has convention envy of the Morial Convention Center across town. And I’m willing to be the Jets fans are tired of hearing about playing second fiddle to the Patriots as well.

Buffalo Bills (6-10)

Comparison: Monkey Hill – Not the bar, but the actual hill in Audubon Zoo

Monkey Hill is the highest point in a town that’s well below sea level. The Bills are the best thing the downtrodden sports town of Buffalo has to offer.

Miami Dolphins (6-10)

Comparison: Fairgrounds Race Course

Some old horses need to either be put out to pasture or taken to the glue factory. I’m looking in your direction, Trent Green.

AFC West

*-San Diego Chargers (12-4)

Comparison: Shrimp Po-boy

Anytime of the day or night, you can’t go wrong with that.

*-Denver Broncos (11-5)

Comparison: Storyland

It’s the perfect place for new running back Travis Henry to bring his nine kids. Maybe they can hang out with Shawn Kemp’s family?

Kansas City Chiefs (7-9)

Comparison: Orleans Parish Prison

With my 7-9 projected record, one might be inclined to think my OPP comparison is a little strange. According to some of my friends, those who’ve spent time in ‘Central Lock-Up,’ one day here feels like a damn eternity.

Welcome to the Chiefs’ 2007 season. Where every game, be it a win or a loss, will be filled with uncertain dread every time Larry Johnson even touches the ball.

And on a different note, did anyone else notice that the Chiefs tried to hand over the starting quarterback job to comedian Demetri Martin? I got nothing against Martin—he’s a really funny guy—but he just shouldn’t be lining up under center on Sundays.

Oakland Raiders (5-11)

Comparison: Dominion Tower

Been an eyesore for quite some time – and we’re not sure about the whereabouts of the owner, either.

AFC North

*-Baltimore Ravens (13-3)

Comparison: Pat O’Briens

Hey, if you’re looking to get hammered…there’s no better place to go. Drink enough and you might even convince yourself to do a Ray Lewis dance.

Cincinnati Bengals (10-6)

Comparison: the New Orleans political scene

Well meaning folks, I’m sure, with a touch of the overdramatic like Chad Johnson, but you know that some of them are going to wind up in jail in the long run.

Pittsburgh Steelers (7-9)

Comparison: the House of Blues

Depends on who’s playing that particular night. Could be a good act or maybe it’s something God awful.

Cleveland Browns (5-11)

Comparison: Tad Gormley Stadium

Refurbishing the grounds does not always translate to instant success. Sometimes, you just have to wait to get your investment back.

AFC South

*-Indianapolis Colts (13-3)

Comparison: New Orleans Museum of Art

Like the museum, the Colts franchise doubles as the crown jewel for a city regarded by some as being devoid of anything culturally stimulating.

Jacksonville Jaguars (10-6)

Comparison: Rock ‘N’ Bowl

Usually the first place you stop on a night out, only to wind up someplace else later in the evening. Great place to hang out for sure.

Tennessee Titans (4-12)

Comparison: Voodoo

This pick is not only applicable since Vince Young has been marked by the ‘Madden Curse,’ but also on a perception basis as well. If you’ve never been here, you’d think there was a voodoo shop on every corner where some creepy old lady peddles her wares to unsuspected tourists, but the fact of the matter is that the voodoo culture occupies a very small portion of this city’s identity. Remember that perception can sometimes be deceiving (see Vince Young’s greatness).

Houston Texans (2-14)

Comparison: Beignets

A tasty snack almost everybody loves. Mmmm…Matt Schaub.

NFC East

*-New York Giants (11-5)

Comparison: Army Corps of Engineers

A whole lot of finger pointing by people playing the blame game.

Dallas Cowboys (9-7)

Comparison: Popeyes

When you can’t think of anything else, take the simplest, easiest option.

Philadelphia Eagles (7-9)

Comparison: John Goodman

Lost a lot of weight in the off-season (Dhani Jones, Jeff Garcia, Jeremiah Trotter), long term affects yet to be seen.

Washington Redskins (1-15)

Comparison: the ‘MRGO’

By the time the season is over, Redskins fans will be hoping the NFL does away with the franchise for good.

NFC West

*-Seattle Seahawks (12-4)

Comparison: streetcars

Might not be the most glamorous option or even the fastest, I know, but sometimes you just got to go with the safest option.

*-St. Louis Rams (11-5)

Comparison: Jazz Fest

No matter what, you’re guaranteed to have a fun time while watching.

Arizona Cardinals (7-9)

Comparison: the proposed light rail system for the Metro area

Everyone loves to talk about it, but we’re yet to see any positive results.

San Francisco 49ers (7-9)

Comparison: Huey P. Long Bridge

A frightening option for many with lingering questions about the foundation.

NFC North

*-Green Bay Packers (11-5)

Comparison: Galatoire’s Restaurant

Fueled by ardent fans that are willing to line up for blocks, waiting hours on end just to get inside.

*-Chicago Bears (10-6)

Comparison: Mississippi River

Strong and powerful, but its run ends in New Orleans.

Minnesota Vikings (7-9)

Comparison: Uptown streets

Not a complete disaster, but in obvious need of repair.

Detroit Lions (3-13)

Comparison: Lake Pontchartrain

No matter what anyone says, it’s not safe to swim in. And not that you needed this warning, but don’t drink the water – or in the Lions’ case, the Kool-Aid.

NFC South

*-New Orleans Saints (11-5)

Comparison: the Superdome

Once considered cursed but has since been turned into a bastion of hope for the surrounding area.

Carolina Panthers (7-9)

Comparison: Scam artists on Bourbon Street

No, I’m not interested in having you try to guess what kind of shoes I’m wearing for a dollar. And don’t try and convince me the Panthers are for real, either.

Tampa Bay Bucs (6-10)

Comparison: Cheesy lawyer commercials

We’re not laughing with you; we’re laughing at you.

Atlanta Falcons (3-13)

Comparison: Lake Lawn Metairie Funeral Home

Dead on arrival – anyone who thinks otherwise is simply out of his mind.