NEW ORLEANS — I don't know about the rest of you guys, but I've never needed NFL free agency more in my entire life. The world is in the middle of maybe the biggest crisis of our lifetime, but with sports entirely shut down from playing actual games because of coronavirus, we have no escape to sports from the real world.
ESPN has been reduced to replays of the X Games and showing 30 for 30 documentaries. If the players hadn't approved the collective bargaining agreement or if the league had decided to postpone the start of free agency, ESPN would have probably have started showing us old sumo wrestling and roller derby shows from the 1980s. By next week, they may indeed be doing that. For some of us, a world without sports is a hell-scape, Mad Max-type place.
Do you know how enjoyable it was to take a break from horrible pandemic news and laugh about Ryan Tannehill getting a 4-year $118 million dollar contract from the Tennessee Titans? It was a simple joy I didn't realize how much I needed.
The Saints should do their part to increase New Orleans' morale in this trying time by spending reckless amounts of money starting today and try to get the city a second Lombardi trophy. What better time to stop caring about the future then when we might be living in the end times?
Ian Rapoport even reported Drew Brees is willing to take less money so the Saints can have more money to spend this year. Saints General Manager Mickey Loomis could have even more salary cap space to play with, and Loomis has proven salary cap space is never really an impediment to doing what the Saints want to do anyway.
Listen Mickey, Saints fans in New Orleans and around the United States are scared, this corona is very frightening, but if you could go out and spend about $250 million Monday it'd really take our mind off things.
In case you were wondering, I have a list of suggestions!
Joe Thuney, a guard for the New England Patriots, would be a great addition to the offensive line. He's started every game in his 4-year career and he'll probably cost $15 million a year, but can you really put a price on protecting Drew Brees? Of course not! 4-years 63 million feels reasonable.
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So we've added some protection for Drew, now we need to get him another weapon to throw to.
Amari Cooper would be wonderful. Lots of you are probably thinking, “Ralph could you be reasonable? This isn't realistic.” We are probably a week from being quarantined in our houses 24/7 and I'm in no mood to be sensible. I saw a woman walking around the super market in Houston in a beekeeper uniform like it was normal. I guess if it protected her from a bee sting, maybe she felt like it would block the corona? What I'm saying is if a woman can walk around the soap aisle in a beekeeper uniform, the Saints can pay two receivers 20 million a year.
How? That's Mickey Loomis and Khai Harley's job, I'm just here to make jokes and ridiculous requests.
Give Cooper 4 years 82 million and bring us joy!
Did I just spend $145 million on 2 players? America just bought enough toilet paper to last until 2023, so irrational spending is the thing to do right now to ease minds.
We've upgraded the Saints offense so lets turn to the defense. Start by resigning Vonn Bell and David Onyemata. 4-years $40 million for both.
This bill is getting steep, but do you want to go back to the horrible defenses of 2014-2016? It'd be tragic when we defeat the coronavirus only to be then be forced to watch the Saints defense return to the dark ages of the Rob Ryan years. So spend, Mickey.
The defense could use an upgrade at corner, so say hello to Chris Harris. Can you image Marshon Lattimore, Janoris Jenkins, and Harris as the Saints top 3 corners? Yes please. 3 years, $36 million should get Harris to NOLA.
What's our total? $261 million. It's extravagant but I may have spent that on frozen pizza, water, and pasta sauce last weekend at Costco for pandemic prep. So get a little wild Saints and give Who Dat Nation a fantastic escape from the real world. Lord knows we need it.
Ralph Malbrough is a contributing writer and Saints fan living in Houston. Email him at email@example.com, find him on Facebook, or follow him on Twitter at @SaintsForecastor download the Saints Happy Hour Podcast.
(Warning: The Saints Happy Hour Podcast may contain language that is not suitable for all audiences)